You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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