grandma shit on top of the toilet
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize