he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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