Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
