girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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