I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
false alarm. still invincible.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize