Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
