When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize