someone threw a dead crab at me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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