Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
