my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
