Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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