I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
