Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
