remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Randomize
