he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
