mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
