Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
