if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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