So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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