The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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