I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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