Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize