I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
