If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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