You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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