Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
