Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
