There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
