Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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