Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
