I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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