so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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