What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize