Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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