we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
