well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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