Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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