chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
