I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
