When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
