Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize