You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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