I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Drunk walkin through police station. America
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Randomize
