He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
