I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
