i barfeds in our rink
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
