It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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