I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
