Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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