Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
