Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
