Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
