I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
