She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
