allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
