I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
