it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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