Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
