I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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