what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
