I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
