It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
